an open [REPLY] letter to my ex

It's a very bold move for you to speak so candidly, knowing that you have a wife and kids at home. I'm not certain that God is ever the one supposedly waking you from your sleep to contact me, but this does further let me know that you never have and never will care about anyone else's wants/needs/emotions. Just your own selfish desires. That's probably not the best quality for a husband to have... But given the fact that you're not my husband and never will be, I can't concern myself too much with it.

You've always been really good with words, but as you know... Words really are nothing without action. After we ended, I've had a hard time believing anything you ever said in your messages that you send. At this point, you could tell me your name and I'd probably still question it.

To clear things up, I don't hate you. I probably did at one point. But those feelings have come and gone. The only thing I hate is that you pretended that you couldn't see why. It has taken you this long to finally even admit to yourself that things went the way they did because of YOU. So if you couldn't even admit it to yourself, I can't imagine all the stories you told OTHER people as to why we ended. Just like all the stories you told me about your exes. Somehow it was always their fault.... And all the stories I've heard from other people about why you resigned at AdHoc when I know the truth. And all the stories I've heard about you losing your job as Athletic Director of the Interscholastic League. I'm pretty sure it was everyone else's fault, like it always is with you. But, the truth is, I never cared what you told other people about why we split, because I was just glad to be out of whatever it is that we were in.

Every message you send to me, you try to throw in some of the good times we had. I'm not sure if you want me to reminisce ooorrrrrr.....? But honestly, I never think about the good times. I think about all the reasons that I left. And I wonder why I stayed so long. And I barely even think about those anymore. These days, "trying to force myself to remember has now become harder than encouraging my mind to forget."

You're married and you reach out to me, telling me that I'm everything your wife isn't. Well... That sucks for her. And for you. But that reminds me of how you harped on me for months straight about reaching out to EVERYONE from my past telling them not to contact me and whatever else... When they didn't even have my contact information and/or we hadn't spoken in years! While you were so adamant about that, were you reaching out to all your exes telling them you missed them and how you're so sorry for all your mistakes? That's a rhetorical question, because at this point the answer has no weight. But it just seems to me that you will always be a hypocrite. You tried to trick me into thinking that relationships were supposed to go that way, even though I knew better. I did certain ridiculous things at your request, just so I didn't have to hear about them anymore. Just to keep the peace. And yes, just to confirm, you were very insecure. Another detrimental quality to any relationship.

On top of that, you were abusive. You were disrespectful. You were deceitful. You were unfaithful. You were a liar. And those weren't just "mistakes" that you made one time... They became choices. They became decisions. You did what made you happy, at the expense of my emotions. And I understand it. But I don't respect it. All the while, claiming to love me more than anyone else ever has ever, and will ever love me. That's laughable. Because I know people that have never told me they loved me that wouldn't do half the things you did... Not to mention the people that I KNOW loved/love me.

But I AM that melodic composition to every timeliness lyric that you say I am.... Just not to you. To someone else. And it took me a while to realize that. You did a lot of damage. But I finally woke up. I finally took time out to heal.

With your actions (and sometimes even your words), you told me that what you were giving me was all I deserved. And you almost had me fooled. If it weren't for you telling me I was unworthy, I would have never searched for (or found) the things I ACTUALLY deserve. The things I'm actually worth. I hope that your wife is able to put up with all of the things that I was far too good to stick around for.

But, yes... since you need to hear it... I do forgive you. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have realized that I didn't love myself the way I should have. Opening my eyes and finally seeing how I sat back and allowed such mistreatment, disrespect, and belittling... It blows me away that I can still call it all a win. You are appreciated. I've loved and I've lost. But I can't say that I've lost in LOVE.

Take care of yourself, Sir.