thoughts on my 6 year anniversary

The day I started this job, I told myself that I would keep every boarding pass from every personal trip I took outside of work. I wanted to be able to look back to see if it was all worth it. Six years and 318 boarding passes  later… I’m not sure of anything other than the fact that this is a clear visual representation of the disproportionate amount of times that I’ve abandoned my own life, only to go insert myself into the lives of all of the people around me… while being able to count on my hands how many times it was the other way around. 

Learning to step back and not take things personally has brought me some peace. It’s not that my loved ones weren’t doing enough; I was just doing too much. Trips to visit the people that I tried to keep close, to no avail… not to mention the times I manipulated my work schedule to be able to visit on company time, killing two birds with one stone. 

I’m always asked if I like living in Dallas. I still do’t know. Never being home isn’t just a byproduct of work. I haven’t taken the time to get to know “home,” even when I’m off. I haven’t really created much of a life here, even after 6 years. I feared growing apart from the people I loved the most. For some reason I took it upon myself to carry that weight alone. I still have to google/yelp places to eat/go when I do have visitors. I still have to use my navigation to get EVERYWHERE. You’d think I’d be familiar by now. But I can list at least 318 reasons why I’m not.

With the current climate, all of these realizations couldn’t have come at a better time. COVID-19 has hit America, and the airline industry pretty hard. That being said, I took a 3-month leave of absence. To give myself time to not only stay healthy/safe… but to just be still, refocus, and prioritize. To create. To consistently sleep in my own bed.

Putting my suitcase away, instead of living out of, and repacking it every 13 minutes will be an adjustment in itself. But a good one, even if it is just temporary. In my opinion, life is all about building (and maintaining) fruitful relationships. But naturally, people subconsciously do what is convenient, and more easily accessible. From someone whose love language is quality time, that’s been a rough road to travel for six years. But relationships do not grow without regularity. And I never want to feel guilty for growing apart from people I gave the opportunity to grow with me.

...all we wanna do is be free

I can pinpoint the exact moment I knew that being Black was… different. I was in second grade. My dad had just picked me up, and after a really bizarre day at my predominately white private school… I sat in the back seat and told him, “I wish I was white.”  I didn’t realize those words would have him break down in tears. 

I had no idea what I was really saying, but in my young, impressionable mind… being white meant having disposable income. It meant having a nice house. Nice cars (plural). A prestigious job. Having everything you needed without having to exert much energy to get it. Funny enough, I didn’t know ANYTHING about redlining, the school-to-prison pipeline, or anything else regarding systemic racism. All I knew in that very moment is how I felt about what my “friend” at school said that day.

We were having a normal 2nd grader conversation, and I used the word “ain’t.” She cut me off so fast, as if she’d been waiting for the opportunity to present itself again. “Ain’t AIN’T a word!” But somehow she managed to faultlessly use it in a sentence, under the perfect context. Hmmm. So after a little back and forth, me being that smartass I’ve always been… I took her straight to the dictionary and we found it together. She was aggitated. She started to make fun of the way I spoke, in general. And proceeded to tell me that her mom told her, that she makes more money than my dad. I lost it! I don’t remember exactly what happened after that, but I knew her dad was a pilot, and her mom was a doctor. I knew that factually, she was right. But I couldn’t understand why my dad’s teacher salary was a up for discussion at their dinner table.

So I went home, and wished I was white. Having been to their home (and my other classmates’ homes) to stay for several weekends, I saw what their lives looked like. Homes you could literally get lost in… while I went home to my fourplex where I shared a bedroom my entire life. To me, that was the difference between Black and White.

From that day, I learned to talk like them. I wanted to fit in and have friends. I didn’t want to be made fun of. I wanted to be as close to that lifestyle as I possibly could. Little did I know that this self-hate was barely the tip of the iceberg, and that it’s been pushed to our brains for over 400 years. It’s crazy that TODAY laws are being passed to stop natural hair discrimination. Apparently the way our hair naturally grows from our scalps, isn’t suitable for the work place. Ouch. Everyone close to me, that looks like me has had to turn down their Blackness in White settings.  We’ve been taught that it’s too much and it makes White people uncomfortable. We’ve been code-switching ever since we learned it’s the only way to afford even the TINIEST bit of a better opportunity in life.  It’s laughable when people say, “I have Black friends…” to combat the idea that they may be racist. Nine times out of ten, that Black friend is me. That Black friend is one of my friends. That Black friend is THE WHITE-WASHED VERSION of a Black friend that you THOUGHT you had. It’s the version of ourselves that YOU find presentable and worthy of your “friendship.” So we don’t count. If I took any of the White people I knew, back to the streets that I grew up in… they’d be VERY uncomfortable. Two completely different worlds. 

I’m grateful that I got to experience both worlds. I’ve literally been around the world. When you never leave the comfort of your own bubble, and never interact with people that come from different backgrounds, that have different experiences than you… there’s zero room for growth, and no way to obtain knowledge or understanding. You’ll forever be close-minded, and blissfully ignorant.  

A wise man once said, “Get you somebody that can do both!” Well…. Quite frankly, we’re all fucking exhausted from doing both. We want to be ourselves, without the fear of continuing to be held back (or killed) in a world full of people that hate us, but love to imitate us.

check, please!

Are you married? You don't have any kids yet? Why not? How old are you again? If I had a dollar for ever time.... You know how the saying goes. 

On my quest to uncover all of the reasons society won't validate my womanhood without a ring on my finger and a dent in my womb, I had to give myself a reality check. In actuality, I'm never really bothered by it. Because my life is my own. But nobody ever asks if you're happy. Or if you've found your purpose. Or if you're following your dreams. Because apparently, none of that matters!

Husband? CHECK!

Kids? CHECK!

House? CHECK!

But does it have a white picket fence, though?

Somehow, those are the only ways to have a fulfilling life experience. As if life is this recipe that will never be quite right if you forget any of these ingredients at the grocery store. I've met women whose number one aspiration was to get a ring on their finger. No matter how chaotic the relationship is. Because in their subconscious minds, this shows the world that they are worthy of someone's "love" forever. That ring is not always what its cracked up to be; trust me. But I've grown to learn that people are far more concerned with the way things LOOK than with the way things ARE. We exert more energy into looking like we have it all together, instead of actually having it all together. 

In a recent conversation with an old friend, we discussed our love lives. I told him that I was interested in someone but assured him that it was still very fresh. And he asked me something that nobody EVER asks. You mention a person in your life and the very first thing you get asked is, "So what does he/she do?" And this is never an attempt to figure out what type of person they are, or what their interests are. It's a backhanded way to guesstimate how much money this person makes. Because *sarcastic font* there's no way you'd ever be compatible with anyone that makes anything under x-amount of dollars per year............ It's funny because when you meet people they ask YOU the very same question. And not to get to know you. But in order to guesstimate how much money you make... in comparison to them. *sigh* I digress. But back to my friend... Before he asked ANYTHING, he asked, "Has he made you laugh yet?" I could have jumped through the phone just to hug him that day. For being genuinely concerned with whether or not I had a smile on my face. My emotional happiness, and not some weird checklist.

It's refreshing to know that the people I keep close are interested in the intangible things that are the most important. I'm not quite sure where I'd be, mentally, if I stressed myself out over a list that strangers want me to keep.

be aware

I think a lot of us really struggle with being honest with ourselves. And in turn, of course, there's no way to be honest with the people around us if we aren't honest with ourselves. And one area in life that this affects us in a major way, is in entering relationships. And at THIS age... potential marriages.

We ask xyz of this potential partner and we haven't really looked at what WE have (or don't have) to offer when it comes to a true union. And it's always easier to point out someone else's flaws than to face/address your own. 

Now, I'm V E R Y stingy with my time, in general so I've never been in the business of wasting anyone else's... but some questions that I have asked MYSELF recently, when thinking about potential time wasted (on my end OR someone else's end), include:

What do you want? Are you honest in your intentions? Are you willing to sacrifice? Do you know how to compromise? Are you a good listener? Are you a good communicator? Can you articulate your feelings effectively? Or do you just shut down when something is bothering you, expecting the problem to be magically solved? Are you understanding? Can you compromise? Do you know what it means to forgive? And I mean TRULY forgive... not SAYING that you've forgiven, but then bringing it up in an argument every two weeks and/or making smart comments and low-blows about the situation... are you compassionate? Do you have baggage that you haven't tended to? Do you assume instead of asking? Are you ACTUALLY over your last relationship? Do you know how to budget? Are you selfish? Does it scare you to be selfLESS? Are you the same person when nobody is looking? Do you adjust your personality/character traits to fit into the life of the person you're trying to pursue? Does lying comes easy to you? Are you soooooo uncomfortable with who you REALLY are that you have to be dishonest about it?... 

I could go on and on, and on and on.... but I promise you that I don't have all the answers. I just think we ignore all these things about ourselves, just off the strength of being able to say that we have someone! Or being able to have our cake and eat it, too. Whatever tf that even means... Truth be told, half of us can't even maintain solid FRIENDSHIPS, let alone relationships. 

But honestly, when I think about some of these questions, I'm like... "Eh." Lmao... Things are so different when you're used to doing your own thing. But it takes hard work to COMBINE LIVES with a whole human being. One that has been raised differently than you and has gone through completely different experiences. And of course, everybody thinks their way of doing things is THE RIGHT WAY. So, it's 49025839 times harder.

So again, if you can't be honest with YOURSELF, it's impossible to be honest with the people around you. Do some self reflecting. In real life. It'll change your life. And it'll save you from ruining someone else's.... You can't ask people to bring things to your broken down table.

Peace and love. Love and light. 

find peace in solitude

photo taken by Francois Hoang

So often, we confuse being alone with being lonely. Which should actually be far from the truth. I've seen so many people, both men and women alike, rush into relationships when most times, their foot is only halfway out the door from their last situation. So afraid of being "lonely."

I think that we do ourselves a disservice by not spending time alone. Learn who you are without someone next to you. It's so easy to get caught up in fitting into someone else's life, and to lose yourself. So when we are so anxious to bounce around in different peoples' lives, we become more and more of what we think will fit best with each different one. Never giving ourselves time to just be US. Then we get confused when these situations don't work out. Never having realized that it can be a strenuous task for someone to get to know us, if we don't truly know ourselves. 

I think that time is the most valuable thing that you can give to a person. So why do we rush to spend our time with strangers, and neglect spending time with the most valuable person? Get to know YOU. If we get too hung up on a fear of being alone, we will find ourselves settling with indivuals that don't truly even make us happy. Looking past red flags or little deal breakers that we have etched in our minds. It's almost a subconscious way of silently saying, "Do whatever you want, as long as it doesn't involve leaving me." And who really wants that? Unfortunately we, as women, have it the worst. We have this little imaginary biological clock that causes us to force things where they don't fit, because we want to get this show on the road. I can't remember where I heard this quote, but it goes, "Sometimes when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." Well, when we want so badly to just have someone to be able to say that we have someone... we run into that very problem: trying to make someone into our Prince Charming (when they're not) every single time. Everyone who shows you attention doesn't necessarily deserve your time. And it's not fair to use someone to fill your void.

So, I encourage you to pump your breaks. And take a break. Spend some time alone. Learn you, and fall in love. Learn to enjoy your own company. Because if you don't even like being with you, what makes you think someone else will? There's a headache that comes with always trying to fit into someone else's world when you don't know who you are. Find peace in solitude. And never be anxious enough to settle.

an open [REPLY] letter to my ex

It's a very bold move for you to speak so candidly, knowing that you have a wife and kids at home. I'm not certain that God is ever the one supposedly waking you from your sleep to contact me, but this does further let me know that you never have and never will care about anyone else's wants/needs/emotions. Just your own selfish desires. That's probably not the best quality for a husband to have... But given the fact that you're not my husband and never will be, I can't concern myself too much with it.

You've always been really good with words, but as you know... Words really are nothing without action. After we ended, I've had a hard time believing anything you ever said in your messages that you send. At this point, you could tell me your name and I'd probably still question it.

To clear things up, I don't hate you. I probably did at one point. But those feelings have come and gone. The only thing I hate is that you pretended that you couldn't see why. It has taken you this long to finally even admit to yourself that things went the way they did because of YOU. So if you couldn't even admit it to yourself, I can't imagine all the stories you told OTHER people as to why we ended. Just like all the stories you told me about your exes. Somehow it was always their fault.... And all the stories I've heard from other people about why you resigned at AdHoc when I know the truth. And all the stories I've heard about you losing your job as Athletic Director of the Interscholastic League. I'm pretty sure it was everyone else's fault, like it always is with you. But, the truth is, I never cared what you told other people about why we split, because I was just glad to be out of whatever it is that we were in.

Every message you send to me, you try to throw in some of the good times we had. I'm not sure if you want me to reminisce ooorrrrrr.....? But honestly, I never think about the good times. I think about all the reasons that I left. And I wonder why I stayed so long. And I barely even think about those anymore. These days, "trying to force myself to remember has now become harder than encouraging my mind to forget."

You're married and you reach out to me, telling me that I'm everything your wife isn't. Well... That sucks for her. And for you. But that reminds me of how you harped on me for months straight about reaching out to EVERYONE from my past telling them not to contact me and whatever else... When they didn't even have my contact information and/or we hadn't spoken in years! While you were so adamant about that, were you reaching out to all your exes telling them you missed them and how you're so sorry for all your mistakes? That's a rhetorical question, because at this point the answer has no weight. But it just seems to me that you will always be a hypocrite. You tried to trick me into thinking that relationships were supposed to go that way, even though I knew better. I did certain ridiculous things at your request, just so I didn't have to hear about them anymore. Just to keep the peace. And yes, just to confirm, you were very insecure. Another detrimental quality to any relationship.

On top of that, you were abusive. You were disrespectful. You were deceitful. You were unfaithful. You were a liar. And those weren't just "mistakes" that you made one time... They became choices. They became decisions. You did what made you happy, at the expense of my emotions. And I understand it. But I don't respect it. All the while, claiming to love me more than anyone else ever has ever, and will ever love me. That's laughable. Because I know people that have never told me they loved me that wouldn't do half the things you did... Not to mention the people that I KNOW loved/love me.

But I AM that melodic composition to every timeliness lyric that you say I am.... Just not to you. To someone else. And it took me a while to realize that. You did a lot of damage. But I finally woke up. I finally took time out to heal.

With your actions (and sometimes even your words), you told me that what you were giving me was all I deserved. And you almost had me fooled. If it weren't for you telling me I was unworthy, I would have never searched for (or found) the things I ACTUALLY deserve. The things I'm actually worth. I hope that your wife is able to put up with all of the things that I was far too good to stick around for.

But, yes... since you need to hear it... I do forgive you. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have realized that I didn't love myself the way I should have. Opening my eyes and finally seeing how I sat back and allowed such mistreatment, disrespect, and belittling... It blows me away that I can still call it all a win. You are appreciated. I've loved and I've lost. But I can't say that I've lost in LOVE.

Take care of yourself, Sir.
 

untitled

We were playing in the sun, like big kids and little kids do together sometimes, until the mood completely changed. The wind caught my shirt and she tells me, "Your stomach is flat. If you have a flat stomach, then guys will want to date you." She was 5 years old.

I was 27 at the time, and it was right at that moment that I wondered what it is we are teaching our young girls. She wouldn't budge on telling me where she learned that from, but I could have made an educated guess. It made me so uncomfortable to hear a 5-year-old talk about what makes someone datable, let alone talk about dating at all.

I know for a fact that she heard someone close to her say those words, which is unfortunate. So I tried to think back to when I was a little girl. I tried to remember all the things I was taught about image and self-worth. Strangely enough, I can never remember any actual words being spoken. The other day, a friend of mine said, "more is caught than is taught." Growing up, my mother was in my life very sparingly, but I can remember just about everything she taught me, without ever having said a word. I was with my dad a lot, so I was a tomboy, but I remember how my she never did much to alter her image. The only makeup I ever saw her wear was lipstick. And it was always this same little green tube of lipstick that turned red when you applied it. She was comfortable in her own skin. She was comfortable being herself. She knew who she was, and she was confident. I'm almost certain that that's what attracted my dad. Yes, she was a beautiful woman, no doubt. And she probably had a flat stomach, too. But with that, you can only go so far.

Society and the media makes it a struggle for women to look at themselves as desirable. And with Instagram models right at our fingertips, it's easy to compare. Well, comparison is the thief of joy. I've seen and heard several women complain about their bodies because they don't look like this, and don't look like that. Oddly enough, there are millions of women who have "perfect" bodies and still lug around insecurities and distorted images of self-worth. If I went today to get breast implants, a tummy tuck, and butt injections, there would still be countless women out there that have that same hourglass shape. Why should I think that would make me any different? Especially if I'm doing it to be "dateable."

Our little girls are watching. And the last thing I want to teach my daughter, should I ever have one, is that she isn't enough. Children have very absorbent minds and they pick up on everything. So insecurities may very well trickle down. Making lifestyle changes to become a healthier you is great. But taking shortcuts so that you become "dateable" is a slippery slope. Doing things for the wrong reasons will forever leave a void. Know that you are enough just the way that you are. Be confident in that. And anybody that doesn't believe that, just doesn't deserve your attention. Image is nothing. Who you are as a person, is everything.